On my previous blog, we’ve talked about how tackling and overcoming the negative thoughts in your head is one of the steps to gaining back self confidence. On today’s blog, we’ll be opening the confidence code kindle and talk about the impact of society’s pressure to your confidence and how to overcome it.
Approval & Subjugation
It’s no mystery that Western Society places a high value on material possessions and an obvious reverence for superficial appearances. A large part of our conditioning comes from our constant comparison to Hollywood movie stars, Supermodels, Super Athletes and Super Heroes as mentioned earlier in my survey. But are we really more confident and happy than say… a Tribe who lives in the Amazon Rainforest with little to no material possessions?
In the documentary “The Last Shaman”, James Freeman, a clinically depressed young man, travels to the Amazon Rainforest to experiment with a hallucinatory drug called Ayahuasca in a last-ditch effort to prevent suicide. While he hoped Ayahuasca could shed some light on his darkness and allow him to ditch a backpack full of rocks he’d been collecting from past failures and disappointments, his journey took a very unpredictable turn.
While the drug Ayahuasca turned out to be a magnet for scams and fake Shamans, remarkably, the immersion into various Amazon Tribe Cultures had a profound effect on reducing his depression. Essentially, Freeman came to the realization that his confidence and happiness were tied to the approval and subjugation of others, which he’d been conditioned to believe, was the true path to happiness.
More specifically, when somebody lacks confidence in Western Society we are conditioned to believe that things like more money, a better car, a better job, a longer beard, taller shoes, a bigger chest, more tattoos or more trophies will somehow make us more confident. Some even misinterpret confidence as being arrogant or dominating others.
While there is nothing inherently wrong with acquiring things and achieving goals, which can add value to your life, when you rely on them as your sole source of confidence and happiness you set yourself up for major disappointment.
The first problem with using arrogance, possessions, and status as a replacement for genuine confidence is that they are all dependent on the subjugation or approval of others. Once someone doesn’t approve of you or your status or your possessions change value, you lose this form of artificial confidence and become unhappy.
While Freeman had suffered from the constant pressure of Western Society to be approved of or subjugated upon, his immersion into Amazon Tribal Culture didn’t require him to be a certain way or have a certain amount of possessions to be accepted. As a result, his depression subsided.
Unfortunately, social media in the West is a perfect example of an entire culture built on dependent confidence, which encourages the approval of others in order to feel confident and happy – albeit temporarily.
For instance, when someone likes your post or picture, you’re elated but when they don’t, you’re defeated, perhaps even depressed. Not convinced? How about some scientific proof?
A study published in the Journal of Social and Clinical Psychology by researchers at the University of Pennsylvania and other similar studies show a distinct link between social media usage, depression, and loneliness.
Study author Melissa Hunt says:
“Using less social media than you normally would, leads to significant decreases in both
depression and loneliness.”
She goes on to explain, “Some of the existing literature on social media suggests there’s an enormous amount of social comparison that happens… When you look at other people’s lives, particularly on Instagram, it’s easy to conclude that everyone else’s life is cooler or better than yours.”
This is really, really important as most people are completely oblivious to the fact that every time they look for approval on social media they are basically training themselves to become more and more dependent, depressed and vulnerable. So if you’re spending more than a few minutes a day on social media doing things other than advertising you may want to rethink your approach to love and connection.
But this approval seeking pitfall doesn’t just end at social media. As a musician, I know first hand how tempting and alluring fame can be, which is really just an exaggerated form of social media approval. When people look up to you and admire you, it gives you a feeling of confidence and makes you feel certain that you will be loved and approved of, which is why so many seek fame.
And while fame can be a powerful tool to inspire and mobilize people for the greater good of humanity, sadly, many entertainers only seek fame to gain approval for themselves and never end up doing the real work to build independent self-confidence. Unfortunately, sooner or later this fame will decline and with it, any associated confidence and happiness.
Stories of the rise and fall of fame are so common throughout the entertainment community it could be considered a disease, but it’s by no means exclusive to this profession and can also be found in politics, business, science and even criminals, which brings us to the next form of certainty – subjugation.
Do you know someone who relies on the domination or subjugation of others to feel confident? Perhaps you may know someone intimately who has to win at all costs, one up you, and always have the last word. Or perhaps you’ve found yourself talking about others with a condescending tone.
Of course, subjugation can also show up in the form of physical violence or the use of money to gain compliance and feel certain you can control things.
If you or someone you know has these tendencies, again the point here is not to cast blame or feel guilty but to shed light on the darkness and ditch some hot burning rocks from your backpack.
When we do cast some light on these actions what we often find is some form of trauma or failure, which is accompanied by a corresponding attempt to subjugate others in order to compensate for this loss. Unfortunately, once someone rises up to oppose or question any subjugation tactics this superficial form of confidence is lost. At this point, some may lash out with harsh words or become physically violent, while others may simply retreat and sink into distraction or depression.
Remember Michael, the bodybuilder from “Physical Confidence?” Unfortunately, Michael broke his leg and fractured three ribs from a car accident in his senior year. As a result, he could no longer lift weights. Since his confidence was dependent on the approval and subjugation of others he no longer felt confident but instead felt depressed. Sadly, without a solution he distracted himself with lots of food, packed on 25 pounds of fat and developed Type 2 Diabetes.
In contrast, had Michael’s confidence been independent, from a source that could not be taken away by others disapproval or undesired circumstances, he would’ve easily jumped over the car crash hurdle and quickly recovered his confidence.
The second and more important challenge with these dependent forms of confidence is that they only treat the effect or symptom of a problem, which has little or nothing to do with treating the root cause or underlying deficiency. As a result, similar to hacking at the branches of a troublesome weed, without excavating the entire root, the problem eventually returns. So first, we need to understand the basic underlying mechanics of what’s happening at the root.
Now remember, I’m a Master Results coach, my specialty is not in just describing strategies and telling stories from books, podcasts or seminars. My specialty is helping people get indisputable results you can taste, touch, smell, and feel. So how do I get results?
Don’t worry, I’ll be here to help you out with your journey. If you’d like to learn more, check out the top-selling book Get High On Confidence by Chad Scott here.
