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Ever had an acquaintance, lover, spouse, friend or family member, put up walls, halt or disable communication?  You know… 3 days to respond to your text,stonewalling completely avoid your email, blow off your phone call or maybe they just look or walk away from you in mid conversation?  Unfortunately this is human nature, as most people are just trying to take care of themselves.  Absorbed in their own affairs and problems, most people simply don’t have the capacity to communicate or care for anyone other than themselves and their immediate family members, if that.

The only problem is that Stonewalling is the worst thing you can do in any relationship and according to scientific studies by Dr. John Gottman accounts for roughly 90% of all divorces.  But stonewalling and its effects are not exclusive to marriages and extends into all relationships from acquaintances to marriages and points to how you live your life in other areas as well.

But I Just Want To Get Rid Of Them

Ok, so you may have a reason to discontinue communication, stay away from someone or they may not be good for your life.  Unless you’re on a dating site or other online site where you’re approached by a total stranger, stonewalling is never a good decision because here’s what it says:

“I don’t have the capacity, nor the courage to respond so I completely decline and resign myself to put up a wall or worse… bury my head in the sand like an ostrich.”

Of course if you can respond with intelligence, compassion, sincerity and honesty this frees you to experience better communication in all of your relationships.

Not enough time?

Sorry, this isn’t an excuse, its a lack of capacity and effort to manage your time.  I don’t give a freak what you look like, how hot you are, how much influence you have or how famous you are, if you can’t respond to someone who is NOT a total stranger where it only takes two seconds of your life, then there is only one reason: FEAR! Because It sure ain’t love, compassion or courage.

Mastering Both Sides of The Equation

Now it’s time to evaluate both sides of the equation because we all have been guilty of stonewalling at one time or another and we’ve all experienced the empty feeling of being stonewalled.  If you’ve been stonewalled, this is the time for compassion and understanding because 99% of the time its not you thats the problem.   Instead of taking it personally try thinking of this person as a dear friend or family member and don’t give up on them.  At a minimum, just know they are struggling with communication, integrity and most likely selfish issues as well.  They may not show it on the surface, but deep down they suffer from anxiety about themselves, perhaps have frequent bad dreams and are eternally discontent.  

And if you have a spiritual practice you can pray for their happiness, which will bring instant relief as you are rising above rather than getting get stuck in the same mud as the stonewaller. 

Why Do People Stonewall?

I’m not broke,  ugly, overweigh, desperate, or selfish, and I’ve devoted my life towards helping the greater good, but I do find myself getting stonewalled even from people in the yoga community, which are supposedly people with higher standards and greater insight into the ways of the spiritual world (supposedly).  So what’s happening here?  Why do people stonewall and what are they afraid of?  

As a stonewaller in my youth, my own shortcomings were due primarily to immaturity and spiritual disconnection.  The fear of course was also directly related to immaturity and disconnection because lets face it, when you’re immature, taking responsibility for your life isn’t exactly your strongest suit nor is connecting to spiritual guidance and becoming integrous with your actions.  

So first we must be self-honest and admit to fear and spiritual disconnection until we can master our minds, choose to communicate and find the wisdom to stay on the side of great friend and trusted ally.  This is where realization links to the lightbulb in your life and allows you to communicate like a master. What do you need to say to honor your heart, your values and help yourself and someone else grow in the process?

How To Communicate To People You Don’t Want In Your Life

If you’re on a dating site and you don’t know the person so you decide not to communicate, this is not stonewalling this is saying I’m not interested or you’re not right for me.  But if you’ve met someone online or offline, entered into some sort of dialogue and you cannot communicate back (when they are obviously requesting info or asking a question) this is stonewalling.  On the other hand, If you feel someone is not good for your life and they are NOT a stranger, for instance…

  • This person is violating your values
  • You have a boyfriend/girlfriend and you’re not interested
  • You’re staying away from relationships and working on yourself
  • You think this person is a bad influence
  • This person brings you down instead of lifting you up

Instead of stonewalling, try communicating your true feelings or challenging them to reflect on their intentions.  For instance:

  • Thanks for reaching out, what are your intentions?
  • We are on the same team, how can we come together?
  • Hey best of luck with everything
  • Here is a course on personal development I recommend
  • Check out this non-profit I recommend you get involved
  • I’m going on vacation with my girlfriend/boyfriend this weekend but will get back to you later.

To become a great person requires great courage; the courage to connect, communicate and be honest instead of putting up walls.  With the courage to communicate, massive changes will occur in your life: better relationships, abundance in health from less stress, abundance in friendships as more people respect and want to be around you, etc, etc.

Hey lets face it, in the end the one with the most friends wins.  No, not Facebook friends you never talk to, I mean people who would come to your funeral or mourn your loss.   How many of these friends do you have?

Any comments or suggestions from your own personal experience are warmly welcomed.

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